I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
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drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.