Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
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If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again