wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
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6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
i think we should see other cousins
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
another case of gang violins
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5