*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
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You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I’m not stressed
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.