Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
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[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
bears
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played