For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
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Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.