So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
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Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
oh you wanna fight?!
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*