[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
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I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.