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Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
12653.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
iPhone X
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.