wtf is a larm clock?
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[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
#oldknees
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
#DesignFail
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL: