Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
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[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long