Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
You Might Also Like
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.