I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
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In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Happy Friday
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
tourist season
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners