Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
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Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
me, too, girl. me, too.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
🤔😂😂
fired
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.