Sunday
You Might Also Like
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.