A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
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Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?