When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
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Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Happy thanksgiving!
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete