My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
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I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
A friend helps you before you need it
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
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Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
ok hear me out: Luigiana
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…