no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
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“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
The Sun
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.