is there nothing we can trust anymore
You Might Also Like
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.