I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
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How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions