Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
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I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Mhm.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
The internet is full of many things
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.