ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
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ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
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Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.