*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
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Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Fiction has to make sense.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good