No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
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When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.