I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
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The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Sponch
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.