I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
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I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Cinematography is my passion
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.