Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
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Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
The happy life.. 😊
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
How to draw a duck
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
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