Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
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All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.