Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
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My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Only Americans understand
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
@funTweeters
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.