[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?