Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
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I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like