Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
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”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.