nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
That’s amazing.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary