*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
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My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday