Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
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I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*