Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
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The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Mmmm canned fish.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t