Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
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DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
that wasn’t the question
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.