I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
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Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.