Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
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One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.