♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
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Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*