*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
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to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email