Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
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Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs