*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
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doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.