I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
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PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
If snakes were wide
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.