Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
You Might Also Like
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
*updates tinder bio*
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Bike is short for Bichael.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up