If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
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Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
PARKOUR
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain