Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
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if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.