*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
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SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.