I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
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BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl